We go on pilgrimage so we can go back home and know that we never need to go on pilgrimage again. Pilgrimage has achieved its purpose when we can see God in our everyday and ordinary lives. (Richard Rohr)
|muir woods, north of san francisco|
... am barely breathing.
if i'm honest, i battle fear. fear of being wrong. of sinning big (as if sin can be measured?). of hurting others or making bad choices. of wasting my life. of really going after what i want, because what if what i want is wrong? for that matter, what is it that i want?
right now i sit in silence, listening to skies rumble. i vacillate between abandon and restraint. between faith-like-a-child and put-away-childish-things. between living passionately and passionless. always one to decry extremes, i very much live them out in my everyday. you know, discontent ... or too content, sliding towards apathy. how to live fully in the cross-sections of a life? to live, even to embrace the tension, and upon that invisible yet palpable line, dance to all the colors of living?
sometimes i feel like a frustrated little babe, all wriggly and unable to speak; newly born and overwhelmed by brilliance, not knowing where to look first, squinting in the afternoon sun with arms waving, clenched fists in the air. i try to uncover what is clutched within my hand. what do i hold so dear that the losing of it whips me into frenzy? and what do i need to grasp, so that everything else falls into peace?
in this truly inside-out world of the spirit, how often to i live outside-in, where conformation trumps transformation? why do i want sin spelled out in clean crisp lines that say do not cross rather than to close my eyes and run forward in faith? what is sin? the moment we define it, maybe, we see it, we label with it, and it's plain, and cold, and rigid and in the light.
in the light.
but faith walks in darkness. faith makes peace with the unseen, the unknown, the passion that moves us into the crux of living where everything is daring and we aren't afraid to live and aren't afraid to love or get messy or mess up. where we let ourselves feel so keenly that our very hearts bleed for feeling. and where we let ourselves become the Other until our soul weeps and sacred becomes us and we reach the end of life, satisfied.
but here's a big secret:
owning, really owning your own life
:: your own freedom ::
can be terrifying.