reborn and shivering :: spat out on new terrain ::
unsure, unconvincing :: this faint and shaky hour ...
begin again, but this time i as i ::
and not as we. ~ alanis
reborn, and shivering.
her words linger long. they're kind of triggery.Because the name “Christian” holds a lot of man-made labels that I’m breaking free from. I think we need to let ourselves break free from whatever labels are holding us back. Give ourselves the freedom to not be who we’ve told ourselves we HAVE to be for so long. Sure there is a danger that we will get off track. (Silently I may wonder, what if I become that estranged religious nut who falls into irreversible temptation?) But maybe a life worth living encounters terrible risks head on. Maybe that’s what it means to have faith. Maybe it hinges dangerously at all times between life and death. Maybe that’s exactly what we need. Maybe the people standing on the edge of the cliff and begging us not to jump and shaking their heads when we do, maybe they will never know that life to the fullest that Jesus has promised. Mandy Steward, Who I am Not
i mean, what kind of person would i be to let you destroy your life? if i see you running to the edge of a cliff, don't you want me to stop you? do you want to fall?
i have new eyes now. reborn.
please, i whisper, shivering. yes.
please let me fall off the edge of this cliff.
the end of light
i read a quote in a church bulletin years ago. i cut it out and slipped it somewhere between psalms and lamentations.
When you come to the end of all the light you know and it’s time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: either you will be given something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly. (edward teller)
i know that i am with him, clutched close. in this with-ness there is liberty, and in this liberty i am free to not be who i've told myself i should be. mandy steward writes: The “Who I Am Nots” reveal all the things we feel we owe to people to keep them happy. it also reveals where i have assaulted my own identity. it's humbling. and i feel surprisingly shy, shivering; a little soul-bare and vulnerable. like i'm letting you in on a secret. wanna know a secret?
:: i am not ::
- my messy house or cluttered desk.
- the dishes in my sink.
- the answers i don't know.
- the comfort you need.
- the happiness you need.
- my extra curves.
- the perfect daughter.
- the best friend.
- i am not my restlessness.
- my plants that hang all brown.
- the conservative you want me to be.
- there yet.
- i am not my shame.
- i am not sunny or sweet.
- my perfectionism, frustration, or codependency.
- the diet i don't follow.
- the money i don't save.
- all the broken, weeping hearts i can't mend.
- the words i snap.
- i am not my questions.
- the feelings i hurt.
- the time i don't have.
- i am not the way i let you down.
releasing myself from bondage
feels a lot like falling.
extra: for a magnificent vocal and an exquisite, albeit unique aerial performance, view The Flying Man.