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| source: tumblr. image from centurion, the movie. |
i'm feeling raw. not the good,
bare-your-soul, now feel free kind, but the raw that burns and chafes, the rubbing together of raging soul-skin. it's not a pretty primal. as i sit with myself tonight, my soul fumbling around like when i grope for light in the dark, i feel lost. i'm irritated in ways that could bring true hurt to myself or others. i know this isn't a helpful post but i wanted to mark this moment. i'm not proud of what i feel. my dark, the true dark that is the ugly and the shameful, is reallyreallyreally yucky. and i just wanted to say all this, well, just because.
my fallen is showing.
::
how do you deal with your less-than-stellar moments? with the ugly and the raw? when grace just disappears and the normally-loving-you transforms into a raging beeyotch? when you don't like some people and want others to just go away? when you feel suffocated and stalked and stifled? when maybe you have legitimate reason to be upset, but really can't do anything about it? blech.
I believe these times of fierce emotions ... primal roars, feeling like a lioness on a hunt ... have a distinct purpose. Just as the fierceness of the lioness is for a purpose — part of her nature and for her survival — so are these times. I believe these moments {hours, days} to be fire that is raging to burn away Before and Not Now; to purify what Before left us with and Not Now threatens to deter us with. More importantly, to clarify for Next. Sit with it. {I sit alone so as not to "eat" anyone or cause damage I will have to deal with After. Reminding myself that I am never alone, but in restorative solitude.}
ReplyDeleteyour word 'survival' has carried me through the day and has helped confirm some deep trigger areas for me. and these purifying fires? at least they bring hope of purification. i LOVE your phrase 'restorative solitude'. yes. that's exactly it. thank you for surrounding me with love.
DeleteI isolate. until the only person I can't get away from is myself. Even when knowing my self is probably the deepest danger to me. So I think that this (marking the moment, and doing it publicly) is a far healthier way to deal with it. I always remind myself to connect. somehow. But all reason is lost to emotion in those dark moments, so I forget and just don't care. and I lose myself for as long as it takes to recover. So here's a little love-light to you in the middle of your darkness... love to you beautiful Rain!
ReplyDeletethank you, sweet rebekah with the beautiful spirit. thank you for this gentle hug and love-light. much love to you.
DeleteI think it's a helpful post. :) I deal with those moments ( of which there have been plenty lately) by moving through them and acknowledging them. They want a voice too. I think no matter what the cause is, they are there for a reason.
ReplyDeleteI do tend to stay away from people when I feel like that because the last thing I want to do is to wound someone. As put together as most people seem to be.. we're all quite fragile.
The " can't do anything about it" is the kicker. I'm there too. Sometimes, we really are stuck but there's growth there too. I just don't know how to make the growing hurt less but really all growth, like birth, is messy. Perhaps the truth in that is to accept that there is nothing that can be done and then honour that. I used to write down my feelings that were negative and then burn the paper but I stopped doing that when I realized that some things just have to be moved through. That's the wonderful and horrible parts of life. We all have our shadow sides and those parts are powerful. We also have the best opportunity in these moments to really know what we need better than at times when we feel strong and put together. That's how I see it anyway. It doesn't make the ickies go away but denying they're there at all does no one any good. I think this was a beautifully courageous post and warrioresses do roar at times. As long as we do it without hurting that sacred space of another, I think it's healthy to roar. I'm thanking you for this post. I really needed to read words where the shadows speak. I hope you move through it in a way that honours the everything of you. xo
yes...they are there for a reason and want a voice. i love your perspective here; thank you for sharing it and your kind words...it sure didn't feel courageous...sigh...but it's good to roar a bit and feel a little more free. the other day i wrote: "it's ok to feel prickly". and i thought afterwards that maybe the prickles come to give us more space. it's a sign that we need some alone time to work through some things. thank you for your encouragement. {{hugs}}
Deletei just embrace it. isolate myself from other people and sit there with the darkness. maybe i try to create, maybe i just cry and pray, maybe i try to connect with other people somehow (not in person though, but texting or reading blogs). i've never found a way to flee from it, so i don't even try. it'll pass soon enough. and when it does i embrace what comes in its place just as fiercely.
ReplyDeletei think you've hit on a reminder for me...i've not had much isolation time lately and that's where i really do recharge. i work a lot in a very extroverted field and it takes pulling in to settle and re-center myself. i can tell when i've gone off track and should listen to the tiredness and other warning signs sooner. such helpful words here, thank you. and i love how you embrace what comes after it passes just as fiercely. love that.
DeleteI wrote about how you have bohemian beauty in my last post. You really do - that means you will be more frustrated at more people sometimes because you don't follow the conventional rules. I am like that too. I love/ need people but I feel exactly like that too sometimes. I would agree with all the above... Isolate, give yourself time, and maybe go experience someone or something new.
ReplyDeleteBelieve it or not I found this refreshing- I know it sucks for you but it's nice to know even the best of us want to rage or give up;)
Go to Starbucks or devour good chocolate too;)
i agree with K...chocolate fixes a multitude of things. ;)
Deletei loved that post, kmarie, so much. i read it again. :-) you've really helped clear some things for me and remind me WHY i can be the way i am sometimes. :-/ thank you for holding up this mirror. {{hugs}} and YES to starbucks!
Deletehow beautiful you are my friend
ReplyDeletein your bravery
in your confession
in your truth
I see the beauty in the darkness
I see the truth of flesh
I see HOPE
this past year I had the privilege of taking part in a meditation in which we journeyed to our sacred-self, then to our shadow-self, and then we brought them together
It was very very powerful
when I am feeling those feelings of ugly darkness, when I am unsettled, lack hope, feel over whelmed and restless, I go visit my shadow self...I go down to where he resides and I comfort him...I let him know that everything is going to be ok...that things once again will balance, the change will settle in, and he will get through. this has been a tremendous source of settlement for me...a way to accept those darker parts of my person with out chastising, shaming or denying them.
again
never change
love and light
thank you, cat. it's a good reminder, too, to listen to what those things are wanting me to know. <3
DeleteOh friend, there are so many days that I feel this raw that you are speaking of. So many days that I wonder if my feet are even moving, since it feels I'm standing still. Stuck. Someone once replied when I mentioned this and said I wasn't "stuck" but rather "standing strong." This too is where I see you. Standing strong even though you don't feel it. These are the times when like the pin that you posted up recently said, we get out that pen and, "write positive messages to myself on parts of my body no one sees." You are brave. You are strong. You are such a gorgeous primal image.
ReplyDeletei'm drinking in your words even now, as i have all afternoon. i cherish you. i hope you know that. thank you for that image: not stuck but rather standing strong. it sounds like something a warrioress would do. thank you for reminding me about that pin and the bravery and everything...i love you.
DeleteBe all that ugly, baby. Own it and feel it and don't deny it. It is a part of you, too. You're allowed to be ugly. You're allowed to be whatever you are. You're so beautiful and amazing, you'll work through it with fairness and grace in the end. Just because that's what you do. I believe in you, even the bitchy parts.
ReplyDeleteoh...this? yes, this is going in my journal. thank you. incredible permission and healing you've poured out here. thank you times infinity. xo.
DeleteWhat do I do? Hmmm, having so many of these days lately, lots of turmoil and unknown going on over here. I breath. I accept. I scream. I stay hydrated and nibble on chocolate. I write to a friend. I watch the snow fall. I bake cupcakes. I snuggle. I dance. I protect myself and cocoon until I am strong enough to face the elements.
ReplyDeleteHope the suffocation goes away soon.
i love the simple sensory journey you've described here...loving and honoring all the senses in a way that brings peace and calm. beautiful, my friend. thank you.
Deletesink way down into the roots of it. maybe let it break you . . . oh, yeah. that "breathe" thing too. and don't forget about moons and galaxies and black holes. ;)
ReplyDeleteoh yes, the moons and galaxies and black holes, and will you marry me again? xo
DeleteAfter ducking into a hole for awhile, extreme self care. Good food, lots of water, good words, nice music, inspirational sights, warm baths, nourishing skin cream, pots of tea, cuddles with a pet, warm blankets, lit candles, but most of all. Time...Just wait.
ReplyDeleteYou are in good company my dear...It seems to be the shared human start to this year.
Be well.
Be kind to yourself.
xo
beautiful anDee, those sound like divine nectar. thank you for this. <3
DeleteI usually don't know what to do in those moments... so I mope around a bit. And Eric suggests I pray. And I say, "I don't WANNA pray!" And he says, "That's why you NEED to pray." And I say, "meh." And he starts to pray for me, and my heart opens a wee crack and I start to cry and I love him more... And then, even if I still feel crappy about myself, I feel thankful for someone who loves me in my worst moments, and that makes me feel a little better...
ReplyDeleteah yes, such a gift to have someone who loves the worst right out of us...
DeleteOh lovely, primal, rain ... as best you can keep from shaming yourself more. It is and you are {period}. Sometimes that's what we have to accept. I know for me I have a few mantras I soak in, speak out, allow to do their deep work.
ReplyDeleteI need to write out my rage, my pain, no matter how dark or unseemly. Then I let go and let go, again and again. I don't let go to forget or deny, NO, I'm just determined to keep moving forward. And the pain will usually continue into the next breath and I'll accept again and let go again. My hope is that there is something in this new breath {each new breath} that will help me through.
I also fight hard to accept the black, the dark, the death ... for it is half of the life cycle ... and you are meant to live, rain. But it is not in isolation of the black.
Your self is fighting to be whole, and thus the difficult arrivals. Welcome them as best you can.
... Persian poet Rumi reminds us all ...
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture.
Still treat each guest honorably,
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
...
I'll say to you what you so generously reminded me of a short time ago ... be gentle with yourself dear one.
soaking you in, sweet friend. thank you. those words by rumi and your words together are the sweetest healing gift. savoring this moment, and you. xo.
DeleteThank you. Truly. I have been feeling weak and vulnerable... Ugly and insecure these past days.. I know I am capable of strength and of calm, but I lost my source. I began looking for my beauty and purpose in things that cant give me any depth. I felt alone since no one would fill me up. And then I came here and was reminded. I was reminded that my beauty comes from the ONE that gave it to me in the first place. I feel the swirling of grace and of passion again because I have been reminded that it does not come from me, it comes from my Creator. I am ugly and raw and broken, but with the LIGHT that fills my cracks and dark places, I am once again whole and useful and full of all I need. Hear me roar.
Delete