harvest, and the alchemy of love ::

The Harvest Moon softly wanes while my love sits beside me; Lady Autumn arrives a week late, cheeks flushed and hair wind-kissed, tasting of crispy sweet Galas and rustling her skirts along the treetops. This season of thoughtful gathering feels deeply poignant. A year ago, I declared with the words of Ellen Bass: 

i will love you again

as we've rounded the curve and landed, at last, into the crunchy crispness of october, i feel like i've curved into a season of my own where the brilliant hues of courage, resolve, bravery, and boldness are washed with an ethereal sheen of hope. although we are born to live life, sometimes the living of it requires a cognizant ~ even daily ~ choice, where yes, i will take another step, and yes, i will love, and yes, i will do this again. i will embrace my soul-sojourn, where every morning i gently uncurl a little more from my cocoon and emerge, gasping and raw and wet, into light.

truthfully, these days crash forward like a crescendo of waves, like the sea all rising and pounding and lifting towards heaven and turning down to beat the earth where i stand. and with each rush of water, the ground beneath my feet transforms into something new, something unexpected, something i don't quite recognize.

but sometimes, especially after a violent storm, i look down at the earth to find pearls nestled there.  

and so i take another step. i push through sorrow and fear; i cling to the sweetness of mercy that rises, new. and slowly i take shape, the shape of my soul. (from 10/2011)

With those words I entered another season determined to love (again, more, deeper, in spite of) and discover what that looked like for me. I've come to think of October as my own kind of New Year, ripe with new beginnings, fresh perspectives, quiet closure and heady anticipation. Newness and sparkly change. I feel this shift, bone-deep, whenever earth releases summer's angst. We surrender together. It's like tasting the long-awaited fruit of Hope ~ hope seeded tenderly in spring, watered through the fires of August, and rustling, golden and ripe, into Fall.

My journey peaked this past September and with it came the hardest season yet, especially for love.

the last glimpse of summer

unafraid

I didn't know this meant learning to love my grief. Even more, learning to love my fear. When our journey takes us to a valley of fear, love is the carriage ~ and the shoes, and the skin ~ on the sojourner's path of intuition and trust. It is the only effective armor, the only eyes that see, the only nourishment that feeds the body. There is no way around, but love is the way through. Love transforms, transmutes, transcends. Love is the only way.

This means embracing fear, sorrow, disappointment, loss, and every other anguish, with compassion. With welcoming, shaky-brave, tender arms. But it also means we must get really, really close. 

Uncomfortably, painfully, agonizingly close.

surrender and release.

Like a powerful, gathering wave that crests and finally breaks, September came crashing down with the furious strength of a thousand grief-charged days. Days flooded with pain, rage, change and loss. So. much. loss. More than I've ever had in such a brief space of time. Some of it came in the form of intentional release, like cutting away undergrowth for health and stamina. Other elements have been surprising, comedic even, but a few bring deep, choking sorrow.

It hasn't been easy.
It's excruciating as death.
It is death. It is sitting in that part of the life/death/life cycle resolved to feel, being fully present without the relieving numbness of denial or false hope.

It is end-ing ~ deliberately allowing something to die, or at least morph into something completely unrecognizable. It is not looking ahead for life, not clinging to or holding on, not rushing through to ease the pain, not seeking a way around. This journey requires being in the midst of incredible upheaval yet standing strong, not running, not abandoning one's self, heart, or any part of this holy sojourn.

I find that this process includes intentional lament, and holds sacred the howl, the lost art of mourning.

It is sitting in awareness of deep, messy, and dark, and loving it anyway. It is letting go; it is loving it free ~ willfully free-ing through the act of love, and that love? The hard, can't breathe, oh my god this hurts but I will love you love ... that is what delivers us through.

It is surrender and release. It's breaking open, breaking through, and breaking free.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.

~ Leonard Cohen, Anthem

redemption

George Addair writes, “Everything you want is on the other side of fear.”

Everything.

george addair. artist unknown.

Fear is the litmus test of the universe. Together with whatever struggle we face ~ grief, addiction, regret, shame, consequences ~ fear is incredibly powerful, enough to keep us frozen in place or make us flee ~ anything but follow our soul's calling.

When we are stuck, unable to move forward, find it hard to make decisions or don't know the way to go, when we are overcome with inertia, when we can't hear our own soul-voice over the ego, this is how we know fear dwells within.

Sometimes we can temporarily talk ourselves out of it, or talk it through with others. But to really, really, really break free?

The only thing that melts fear is love ~ the purifying fire of love which dissolves our deepest, most heart-wrenching and soul-shrinking fear. And the only way this process happens is when we are willing to sit in the dark, in the pain, in the present, trembling anyway and determined to love anyway, like a warrioress rising to meet whatever comes.

This is magic.

And what I wanted most on the other side of fear?
Simply, deeply, and with holy fierce longing,
I wanted to be free.
Wild-spirit free.
Free-as-the-wind-but-grounded-like-a-tree free.
The vibrantly alive, living a wild and full and luscious life, free.
A dance and not grow weary, moonlight enchantment kind of free.

And I am.
I am.

all that's left.

________________________________________________________________________________

a guide to living free

 I am, you anxious one.

Don’t you sense me, ready to break into being at your touch?
My murmurings surround you like shadowy wings.
Can’t you see me standing before you cloaked in stillness?
Hasn’t my longing ripened in you from the beginning
as fruit ripens on a branch?

I am the dream you are dreaming.
When you want to awaken, I am the wanting:
I grow strong in the beauty you behold.
And with the silence of the stars I enfold
your cities made by time.

~ Rilke

The next time you feel the familiar tingles of pain or fear, when you recognize that clutch on your heart, your world closing in, and can't-breathe-for-aching, here are some thoughts.

• Stop where you are. Seek a quiet place. If you are with others, excuse yourself.
• Breathe. Slow, deep, in rhythm. Inhale. Exhale.
• Identify the source of fear in your body. Fear produces a chemical reaction that floods our bodies, our cells, through our bloodstream. Our bodies don't lie, and chronic dismissal of these negative chemicals can produce long-term distress.
• Lay hands warm with tenderness on those places. Bless, pray, thank, offer gratitude. Sometimes I whisper, Fear becomes praise in my veins. We can have compassion on our bodies, and compassion is healing in nature.
• Intend to love your fear. You may not love it at first, especially when it is made raw with excruciating pain. But set your intention. Ask for strength. 
• As you begin identifying the roots, determine not to run but instead, to dig deep right there. Right at the source. Look at fear as a huge red flag, but not to warn you. To alert you. It is a secret message saying, here is something you need to know. It takes practice and fortitude, and often the help of supportive soul-friends and kindreds. 
• Be willing to get messy. Be willing to enter the dark season of life/death/life. Don't rush the process.
• Trust your struggle.
• Seek quietness, even if that means some kind of sabbatical. We don't always have the luxury of nice long stretches for healing soul-work, but we can take a few moments here and there, or an afternoon. 
• It takes as long as it takes. If necessary, begin again with breath.
• Sit with your fear. Journal your feelings and thoughts and pain. Rage! Get it out. So often it lies buried deep and takes time, patience, and love to slowly peel back those layers to reveal the root. Share your story, air out your energy, let light soak you. Repeat as often as needed, because you will know the moment of release. You will know.
• Remember, love is the only thing that diffuses fear. How can you love your pain? Your fear? Begin to thank your pain and fear for what they have to teach you. For the lessons you've learned through them. For leading you. Offer gratitude and agree that you no longer need to be afraid. Ask for strength.
• Live loved. You. are. so. loved. Let love be the shoes you wear, the eyes with which you see the world, including the whole world of yourself. Love others. Love your Source. Eat, sleep, and breathe love. 
• Love those who hurt you, who spend their energy and time dedicated to misunderstanding, stalking, or harassing you. Set boundaries of love they cannot cross. They have pain and fear of their own. Trust that love always wins.
• Live tenderly. 
• Live free.

 

 awake

remember this.

This year has brought awakening in ways I never expected or considered. I still don't have language for much of it, but I know that part of it requires living-in-skin and possibly fewer words. My soul journey continues in other ways but I wanted to leave a [probable] final post. All the events of September shook my core and brought much healing and exhaustion and clarity. I need to honor this time and spend time in reflection and rest and Next and Now.

I've met so many lovely souls through this space! I didn't anticipate that, to be honest, but wow, I'm so blessed. I'm sure we will connect in future projects.

I'm closing comments on this post but if you'd like to send a message, or sign up for any kind of email updates or information for future projects, please fill out the form below. If I don't "know" you, I'd appreciate a reference or little note about yourself and why you are interested in following along.

Much love, sacred ones.

Live loved.
<3


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